Unclaimed baggage

Self fulfilling prophecy and the movement between belief and behavior.
When I was a kid I found the word manifest somewhere in the midst of my travels. It became a tiny tight lipped word I used often and with great pride. If I could work it into the conversation at any point I would.
It wasn't until many years later that I realized I was using it wrong the whole time.
Going back to moments like these often fill me with a sense of shame over my own stupidity and that shame grows into something akin to a cycle of worst case scenarios and mental berating. I've gone through enough therapy to know that shame is mostly to blame for all my anxiety and depression. I'll turn my head to the right and physically say stop to myself in order to avoid sinking in to the cycle most times it starts. But even that method of detracting doesn't often help the situation.
Our ability to move through shame is the real challenge. For me anyways. You'd think it would be easy enough. Take a step forward into it. Look around and observe. Walk out.
But I go completely blind the second I've taken the step forward and I can't see the path to walk out on through all the mess and muck that shame has coated itself in.
If you believe that something might happen, based on any number of factors, your actions in relation to that belief will automatically follow.
If I believe I'm stupid, then I will make stupid actions. If you believe that something will happen a certain way, your actions will all but ensure that it does happen. Again - based on any number of factors. This self fulfilling prophecy is habitual. It's just how some of us operate. And it sucks.
I'm miserable today because someone told me I seemed miserable. And even though I didn't start out that way, I believed them when they said it. And as such - I made it happen.
If you say something is going to happen and really believe that it will? It will. Because you'll make it happen.
These implications and assumptions can be catastrophic if put in a fertile place and given the space to grow into some mighty version of itself.  One day it'll take over. It'll just be a whole forest of crap that no chainsaw will ever be able to cut it down. And then what? Build a tree fort. Live up there. Watch your forest grow. Then burn the fucker down.
Somewhere along the way here I found manifest again and have been letting it sit there waiting in the wings to make its appearance outside of my tongue. So I guess we'll see. We'll see how she goes.

I hit a milestone this morning that I suppose I should be a lot happier about then I am. But I have a hard time accepting it as an accomplishment of anything when it's more a byproduct of being sick and not of me putting in any actual effort.
I guess I will just ignore that fact and be happy that the incredible shrinking pants is still shrinking.

One week until Mexico and I can hardly contain the excitement I'm feeling.
I also feel slightly like I need to prepare more or that I'm slacking a bit on the organization front. But I still have 4 days off to get my act together.
I hit up a new pool this morning. I typically swim on the west end because it's literally across the street from my job and thus makes it super easy for before work/after work laps. Buuuut since I live basically in sherwood park I figured I needed to get comfortable with other places that aren't a half hour drive. (Side note, I can't wait for the meadows pool to reopen so I can go there because it's walking distance from my condo)
But this pool at bonnie doon was a nice time. 25m laps instead of the 50m I'm used to - which I think I actually prefer. I worked mainly in my breathing today since I've pretty much mastered my stroke time. But breathing seems to trip me up. But today was great.
I love getting my day started with the pool. I am an early morning cardio person most of the time anyways but it's nice to kickstart the day. Except now I'm killing time until I leave for airdrie to see my parents for a few days.
Shift work is the best.

You're either in, or you're out.

My meal prep game is so strong today.
I guess waking up at 6am on your last day off will do that to you.
Meal prepping is not something that a lot of people find easy. It does take up quite a bit of time and effort. Plus you gotta be willing to eat nearly the same thing every day for your work week.
It's even harder when you work shift work. Instead of prepping for 5 days I have to prep for 7. Not only that but I have to prep for 12 hour days.
PLUS 2 of those 7 days have to be different and well - it can be tough.
And it was. But just to begin with. I'm a pro now.
Today I did up a bunch of egg muffins (scoring in at 59 calories each and 7gs of protein)
Healthy eatmore bars that I've spoken about before annnd I've also become obsessed with spaghetti squash. So I prepped those and a bunch of veggie packed sauce. Zucchini, broccoli, carrots, onions, ground chicken, blackbeans, corn and home made tomatoe sauce. 1/2 of squash and 1/2 cup of sauce is a only 450 calories (including the cheddar cheese I top that shit with because #cheeselife)
Throw in a ton of raw veggies, hardboiled eggs and turkey bites and you've basically got my entire day wrapped up. This works for me because I don't get bored and I'm an advocate for raw and clean eating.
Everyone needs different things. Some people need carbs in the morning. I prefer to consume mine before swimming or running.
I also started a 5/2 intermittent fasting schedule under the advice of my dr because of my constant battle with my stomach issues. These things work for me. These things might not work for everyone. Talk to a nutritionist. Talk to your dr. Google everything. Ask ten million questions. But the principal is simple. Prep an eat food that isn't processed. Exercise. And throw out your scale.
And don't refuse things you love because you'll just get grumpy.
This shit isn't a diet. It's a life. You're either in or your out.

I can't even handle how good dinner was tonight.
Spaghetti squash with zucchini marinara and crispy kale chips.
I've heard rumors that kale chips are magical but I've never made them before. Until today. And yea - they are fucking magical.
Like a unicorn riding on a dragon playing a ukulele made out of fucking rainbows and the weeping tears of mother fucking ANGELS magical.
that's how good they are.
So yea. I can't even.

I got my first foot cardigan socks in the mail today and they are sweeeeeeet! Esp since if you know me you know how obsessed I am with eggs. Plus they have these sweet storing and washing instructions - best monthly subscription ever.

Did nearly 2 hours of laps this morning and now my shoulders are letting me know that they didn't appreciate it. So just an easy night with some hockey and catching up a few chapters of a book that was recommended to me months ago that I'm just getting around to picking up.
Can't ask for anything more. #LifeIsGood

Pants Vs this life is too good to be true sometimes

So we're all booked for Mexico.
the conversation pretty much went like this
Sunday - We should go to Mexico
Monday - Booked flights to Mexico

I love that we get to be spontaneous and adventurous and just go with shit. It makes for moments.
And you know me - I am a lover of moments.

There's so many things going on. I can't keep up most days. I don't think I want to keep up.
All of it, the good, the great, the everything - it can keep cascading on me as often as it would like to. I wont feel bad about it.
I quit smoking. I saved so much money from said quitting of smoking. I'm healthier and lighter than I can ever remember being. I rediscovered my passion for swimming. I'm generally just in love.

So Puerto Vallarta here we come!