On thinking about mortality

It's sometime around 7am when the lrt lurches to a halt and I'm thusly lurched out of my daze. Walk walk walk.
I've made this walk now something like 856 times. Though,  knowing me and my love of over exaggerating numbers, it's probably more realistically like 40 times. Back and forth and back and forth. In the 114th street doors. Out the 112. Cross 112. Get a coffee. Drink the coffee. Smoke a cigarette. Get another coffee.
My body - my stomach in particular - is not happy with my choice of living entirely on nicotine and caffeine. But I'd like to justify to it that I've only slept for 7 hours in the last 4 days and it's not actually a "choice" - it's a means of survival.
I'm walking past the same set of faces every day. The same sullen looks of disparity and fear. Black sluggish bags under every set of eyeballs that refuse to make contact as we silently cross each other over and over again.
I wonder about their lives. If they're having a bad day or got some bad news. If they're dying or their parent or child is dying. Worried faces lost and blending into a sea of other worried faces.
Intermixed every once and awhile I'll see a smile or a bouncing child that breaks up the bad news train and I'll remember stings of hope still mark themselves here too. And that's the part I should be hanging on to.
I don't know if I'll ever be ok with being old and being at the mercy of other people all day long.
In reality, my grandmother will get out of here soon and start a new chapter in her life as a bionic human who no longer gets to rely on just herself. And it's not about me or my ability to cope with that news, it's about her and how well she will adjust.
My feelings here, they mean nothing.
And if I spend an entire week or month camped out on the cold floor of a hospital room or riding the train at obscene hours to run home to change my clothes, what I feel still doesn't hold any bearing to the gravity of her life.
But I can't help but be changed by these days. My own sense of mortality has shifted and I'm scared for the first time that maybe I'm not as adjusted to life and the reality of loss as I thought I was.

Sucking at life and non scale victories

I will be the first person to admit that I have not kept up my routine at the gym. And have thus suffered a plateau.
There's a few craptastic things going on in my life which I am using as an excuse. But mostly. I've been lazy.
My eating has stayed pretty on point. So I haven't suffered any of the feared regain. Thankfully. But I haven't lost much either.
Today though, I celebrated a little non scale victory in the form of new pants. Errr like the actual article of clothing. I've been needing new jeans for awhile and typically buying new jeans means putting the hood up on my hoody, running into the store and shamefully searching for my size before hurriedly buying them and suffering some sort of panic attack in the parking lot. Then praying they fit when I get home.
Today was slightly similar. Except that the only size I could find was 2 sizes smaller than what I normally wear. I rationalized that they probably wouldn't fit but they might fit in a few months now that I'm back on track. I also picked up a new shirt. That isn't a tuxedo. Or a band shirt. Or a shirt with a cat shooting lasers out of its eyes. As I typically wear.
Once I returned home I went to put them away, shoving the brand new tags still on jeans into a drawer of my dresser that is left for 'shit I might wear some day'. But I guess I was curious to see how far I needed to go before I could wear them, because before I knew it I was trying them on.  (Logic dictates you do this in the store - I KNOW. but I'm not that logical ok?)
And wouldn't you fucking know it. They fit. And not even like fuck these are too tight to sit down fit. They actually fit. I had a weird moment of checking the label twice to make sure I was seeing it correctly. But yea. Totally fit.
The cute shirt I bought however - TOO BIG!  And slightly see through.
Strange morning. That's for sure.
It's my last day off before returning to work tomorrow so I'm getting my meal prep done and doing laundry and crocheting and drinking too much coffee. As one tends to do on days off.
So despite the shittiness that is currently invading my edges and making me anxious and on the cusp of depressive - life is pretty good today.

Zucchini lasagna and my take on caprese salad

I'm so effin stoked to share this because lasagna is pretty much my specialty. When I'm busting out an "impressive" meal it's kind of my go to.
That and gnocchi. Which - I will be posting a recipe for my sweet potatoe gnocchi here soon.
This turned out so much better than I had hoped.
I'll start with the caprese salad first since it's easy as fuck and amazing as fuck. 

What you need:
6-10 cocktail tomatos (really though you can use any tomato. Cocktail tomatos are just really sweet and small)
As much basil as you can handle
Olive oil
Goat cheese (traditional caprese is made with Bocachoni or mozzarella. But I hate Bocachoni. So. This is my preferred cheese.) You can use pretty much any cheese you want actually.
THERE ARE NO RULES!
except cream cheese. That would be gross.
There's zero actual cooking involved here. Just cut that shit up and put it on a plate. Drizzle olive oil and maybe a lil salt and you're good to go.
Don't blame me if you get addicted to this shit ok?
Blame the Italians or something.

Now the main attraction!
Lasagna is totally a do what feels right kind of food. It's hard to screw up.
I made mine with two sets of "sauce"
This first being a spinach sauce and the second a tomato sauce.
What you need: (for the spinach)
1 bag baby spinach
2 cloves garlic
1/2 large onion
5 large mushrooms chopped
1 red pepper
1 and 1/2 cups cottage cheese
A lil salt

Rinse and dry your spinach. Ok? Fucking do it. Otherwise it's gritty and you ain't impressing no one with gritty spinach.
Saute onion and garlic and chopped mushrooms in a lil olive oil or coconut oil until tender.
Toss in your CLEAN AND NON GRITTY SPINACH!
Add a lil salt.
let that shit wilt.
On a clean burner - crank the fucking heat until it's red fucking hot. put the red pepper on it. Let it burn. No seriously. LET IT BURN! turn it around and around so it burns alllllll sides.
While it's still hot, put it in a bowl and cover with plastic wrap and set aside for at least 15 minutes. It will continue to cook. You know what you just did? You made a roasted red pepper and that shit is fucking MAGIC.
Once it's cool enough to handle, gently peel the skin off. Slice up and remove the seeds then chop into pieces. Throw that magical shit into the spinach mixture.
Side note - I am a person what HATES the spinach watery stuff that happens when you wilt spinach. So I drained mine after cooking. I realize I probably drained off some of the nutritional value by doing this - but I give ZERO FUCKS.
let everything cool the fuck down ok? Let it sit on the stove until it's not scalding hot. Then mix in the cottage cheese and set aside until you're ready to assemble.

What you need: (tomatoe sauce)
1 package lean ground chicken
2 cloves garlic
A shit ton of basil. Fresh please. The dried stuff is ok - but fresh is 10 BILLION times better.
1 can crushed tomatos
Salt and pepper

Saute garlic in a lil olive oil until tender. Don't burn your fucking garlic ok? That shit is disgusting burnt.
Cook your damn ground chicken any way you want with the garlic. Then drain it. Because the only thing I like less than cooked spinach water is cooked ground chicken water. Blech.
Add in the crushed tomatos.
Add in the basil. I used like 400lbs of it because I love it ok? But you don't have to. It's a free country. But add enough so you can taste it. That's the whole fucking point.
Let simmer for 20 minutes - a half hour. Salt and pepper to taste.
You can also add oregano here too. If you want. I bet it would be a nice time. But I didn't have any kicking around so fuck it.

What you need: (noodles)
3 medium to large zucchini.
That's fucking it!
Slice those fuckers THIN. like noodle thin ok? LOGIC.
I used my mandolin. WITH THE FUCKING GUARD!!!!!
can't stress the guard point enough. I cut half my damn thumb off on one of those things like a year ago and the last thing I want is some shit head doing the same thing then blaming me because I didn't warn them.
USE THE FUCKING GUARD.
Or use a knife. Zucchini is easy like Sunday morning. So either option works.

ASSEMBLY!
Put a little bit of the tomatoe sauce down in the bottom of your pan to prevent the "noodles" from sticking.
(From here on out I'm going to call them noodles. I realize they're not actually noodles in the traditional sense but you can fuck right off with your traditional sense. This is my recipe. I do whatever I want)
Layer on some noodles.
Layer on the tomato sauce.
Layer on the spinach sauce.
Layer on some noodles.
Tomato.
Spinach.
Noodle.
Repeat as necessary.
End with sauce. Then throw down some parm, some mozza and some fresh basil. Then bake that shit at 375 for 25-30 minutes. Or until the cheese is melty and it smells like the the most magical shit you've ever created.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Make sure you share this food with people you love so they know you're impressive in the kitchen.

I never feel as adult as I do when I'm sitting outside in the morning drinking coffee.
As a child, I always imagined that the pinnacle of success and adulthood somehow centered around the consumption of coffee.
How something like having the time, the spare moments, to sit and read and drink warm creamy liquid can define a person's own state is beyond me.
For all the studying I've done on human emotion and psychology, I still have a hard time understanding how fundamentals are created. Synapses I suppose.
But here I am. Watching the seasons change outside, sipping a coffee and enjoying how simple it is.
I haven't had coffee in YEARS. literal years. I can't drink it on most days due to the hole that lingers in my esophagus. But extra heartburn pills and a rekindled love of its dark morning flavor has brought me here, feeling nostalgic for a childhood I was determined to out run and a sense of responsibility that I'm determined to forget. At least for a few minutes.
Tonight I'm preparing dinner for a good friend that I don't see as often as I'd like. I think I'll throw down a recipe. Since I haven't done that in awhile. Keep your eyes open for that dear readers.
And sip your coffee extra slowly today. Don't be in such a hurry to get going to wherever you're going to.
As my dad would say - when God made time, he made plenty of it.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.

There's nothing that brings me more contemplative joy than sitting at the kitchen table, hands and face dirty from working all morning, to a cup of coffee and the calm still silence that is this place.
I can't fathom leaving. Honestly. I refuse to think about it.
I went back to the city last night to check up on my place and have dinner with some friends and I could just feel it sinking into me. Settling into my bones. This urgency and anxiety.
No matter where we stand or sit our rest our feet, the world - our lives - move too quickly. The speed of convenience has created this vortex of bustle and movement that is too much.
You want to know why depression wasn't as prevalent 60 years ago?
Because we took the time to calm the fuck down.
Create something with our hands.
Create a sense of pride.
So tell me, how am I supposed to go back to that noise now?

The point of no return

I'm a farm kid.
There's no denying it.
When I'm here, the everyday doubt and self loathing is gone. It never enters my mind. I'm awake with the sun. I'm working all day. Really working. My hands are dirty and calloused and cut up and sore. But my mind is clear. My mind is calm. My mind is NEVER calm.
It's night and day for me.
I went back to the city for a date on Wednesday and despite the fact that I got to spend time with a pretty girl and sleep in my own bed - I couldn't wait to get back here. Back to the calm quiet and the promise of more work.
And it's not work in the sense that it feels like a burden. It's investing in the future of this place.
I cut down trees. I cut down an entire pasture of weeds that had grown above my head. I pruned and trimmed and opened up the sky to a view that is priceless - though you'd easily pay millions for it.
I'm so content.
After months of trying to remember who I am and what I'm supposed to do or be - I've found life here. I've found myself here.
Now I just have to find a way to stay.

We're somewhere outside of the city and the captain Morgan has started to take hold.
There's no better way to describe the connection in friendship other than near perfection.
My biggest fear, my biggest anxiety in the last 2 years is that my heart - my friends - won't find me as complimentary now vs then. Because of the changes I've made to who I am, and the changes I'm making to who I'm becoming, it's hard not to think "they won't like me if I'm this way. They won't like me because I'm not who I used to be".

I remember sitting in my best friends living room. The night I moved back from Quebec, The night I figured I'd kill myself, and I sat there drinking and pouring my heart out about all the bad decisions I made and how fucked I felt and they said to me - we saw through all the shit before. We see through all the shit now - and we see you. And we love you.
and despite the anxiety and fear I feel every now and then, I still know that's true. And I still know that even if I become someone entirely different - they still see who I am fundamentally. And they love me.
And really, there's nothing else I could ask for.
But I am blessed to have a campfire in front of me, and my best friends all around me, and life is pretty god damn perfect.

Spent most of tuesday and all of today out at the farm. (With a break in between where I got a rootcanal on Wednesday). Just mowing like 50 acres and cutting down trees and wood burning stuff for people. 
At the end of the day, I'm just a farm kid. I feel so together and determined and productive out there. I'm probably going to spend my whole vacation there just being content to work hard and create space in my head before returning to my regular life.
Sometimes though...I just want to go there and stay there. I feel like that's what my life needs to be about.
One day. Yesss. One day.

I'm sitting here. 3.5kms from where I started, on some burnt out Crack shack of a park bench at the edge of trail 10 in elk island park.
I did another 5k round trip before this where I stumbled on a geocache. Which was a happy surprise.
I should pull about 12.5km before all is said and done. But we'll see once the trail ends.

I can't say much good about my mental state lately. I can't tell if it's just wanderlust or if it's spending too much time focusing on the wrong things. But either way - I haven't been good at being me lately.

In this last week off  though, I've wandered about 30kms around this province and it's been pretty helpful in calming the congestion in my head.
I also drove about 1000kms. Helped my dad move his entire life to our farm. Slept the perfect amount every night. Broke a finger and lost 10 more pounds.
I feel really...fuzzy. like there's something on the edge of my consciousness that's stalking around me in circles but I can't find a way to shift my peripheral enough to catch it.
Usually I feel this way in the shifting seasons. When the sun starts to disappear at 6pm and the wind is catching a chill. But I guess as the seasons shift, so do I.
I've got a month off coming up in 6 or so days. And despite a few committed things here and there, there isn't much to be said about what I'll be doing.
I imagine I'll kayak with my dad and walk the farm land searching for a foothold that can return me to childhood excitement. I'll create things from barn wood and burn initials in places maybe one day my kids will see.
Or maybe I'll drive somewhere. To the states or out east. Maybe I'll fall in love and spend 6 days in bed wrapped around something of promise.
Or maybe I'll just walk. And hope it brings about some clarity.
In the meantime, I've got another 3.5kms to go before I turn around. So I should get on that.

The sometimes surprising reality

This is where I used to have my belt done up to to keep my pants up - 2 months and nearly 40lbs ago.
Despite people noticing changes - I myself (aka I, my biggest critic) haven't noticed much except that my knees hurt less and I can fit into the July talk tshirt I bought last year and never wore because it always felt weird.
So seeing this today, ,really noticing this today has been a blessing in a very plateau week.

30 day challenges - hype or worth it?

I've been slightly stagnant in my work outs lately. I'm finding it hard to find motivation. I think the second you fall out of love with the journey is the second you start to give up. There are super discouraging moments where I feel impatient and annoyed. Last week was a rough week emotionally and I think it took a harder toll on me than I anticipated.
Trying to stay in the positive margin of hey,  I hit 30 pounds lost yesterday. Instead of I skipped the gym 3 days in a row.
So I'm trying to jump back into a groove and thought I'd give one of these 30 day challenges a go.
It's not super intense - supported through buzzfeed - and it focuses on weight training 3 days a week and high intensity cardio 1 day a week. So it'll fit into my schedule for the most part.
I worked yesterday and went out after so today is really day 1. Even though it's not Monday.
I have a hard time grasping the validity of these challenges because they're often misleading and accompany some kind of cost. But this one is free. And I don't really have anything to lose other than more weight. So. Here goes.

On the agenda today - focus on arms
Circuit 1 -
8 weighted squats 20lb weight
8 bent rows 20lb weight (8 per side)
8 side lunge 20lb weight (8 per side)
10 laying bench presses 20lb weight
30 seconds elbow plank (I modified this to an elbow plank on my knees because I'm not good enough at regular planking yet to pull this off)
60 second rest

Repeat circuit 1 five times resting 60 seconds between each circuit.

Circuit 2
10 standing overhead presses 20lb weight
10 standing bicep curls 10lb weight (couldn't do 10 with a 20lb weight - YET)
10 laying tricep presses 10lb weight
60 second rest

Repeat circuit 2 three times resting 60 seconds between each circuit.

I completed this in about 40 minutes because I had to stop to look at the form on some of these a few times to make sure I was doing it right.
Surprised by how good of a work out it really is. Now off to catch up on chores and enjoy the sunshine.

The psychology of strength

When I was younger, I used to value my strength on my ability to lift things. When you're big people just assume you're also strong. I hung onto that like it was some crumb or glimer of beauty in an otherwise ugly existence.
I'm not skinny. But at least I'm strong.
I'm not pretty. But at least I'm strong.
I remember 6 th grade gym class - small town alberta - their idea of a physical fitness test was to make us run laps around the gym for 20 minutes straight, once a month. The kids with the highest lap count were healthy. The ones with the lowest were destined to a life of fat jokes and solitary lunches.
I remember faking out of them consistently. I was 'sick' or I hurt my ankle. I had the dates circled in red in my agenda. Like some ominous countdown to shame.
I once even tried bargaining with my gym teacher to say if she let me out of running I'd prove my physical abilities in brute strength by bench pressing 200 pounds (this seemed like  a logical amount in my silly preteen mind).
To my delight she complied. But she made me do it in front of everyone. Mocking me when I failed and pointed me towards the running area that was set up and told me if I stopped running she'd fail me.
I spent those twenty minutes convincing myself not to cry. Not to be weak again in front of anyone. That I was strong despite failing. But the cackles of the kids passing me, lapping me sometimes 3 times got to me. I broke. I walked out of the line of kids. I walked to my locker. I walked home.
It was that night that I pleaded a case to my mother to let me home school. That I would do better somehow, away from the public school system. I must have been pretty convincing, because I never went back.
I started an incline interval treadmill work out today that, despite being labeled as beginner level, was exceptionally challenging. Every minute you up either the speed or the incline until you reach a point where you bring it back down a bit and then back up. I think the term is laddering.
It sounds easy in theory. You do this for an hour and life will be great after.
A guy was in the gym doing maintenence to the treadmill when I showed up. He said he'd only be a few minutes so I started off on the bike. I dig the bike. It makes me sweaty as fuck. Which I'm told is a good thing. But I much prefer the treadmill. So half an hour later when he was done I hopped on and headed out, telling myself that I had just done a half hour of cardio, so even if I could only do one minute I was still ahead of the game. I honestly anticipated pain the first few minutes in and had already justified myself to stop at any moment. Weird thing was, at minute 5 I had a flash back to that day in gym class. I haven't thought about that day in 20 years. I removed it from my brain entirely until today. When it popped up. I heard that tiny weak voice of tiny adolescent me say just stop. Just go. Go home. Give up and leave. They're all laughing at you. You can't do it. And though I'm not a terribly inspirational person - as in I don't find motivators in posters saying 'you can do it!' (Must be the cynic in me) - I took a sip of water and said to myself. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that the misconstrued views you had about strength put you in a position to fail publicly. I'm sorry you were a weird little fat kid with no friends and a brain that wouldn't shut up. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that you were hiding playing hide and seek and I never came to find you. I'm sorry I gave up on you then. But I'm not giving up on you now. So you need to believe me when I say I'm sorry.
And I am sorry. To that little kid who had to suffer to find her greatness. Who had to endure to find a way. Her way. I wish I hugged her more then. I'm hugging her every day now.
The beauty about strength is that it doesn't come from muscles.
It doesn't come from 50 reps or benching 200 (which for the record, I still can't do. But one day I fucking will)
It comes from the mushy grey matter inside your skull that controls what you do and how you do it.
I made it 36 minutes out of the hour. So something like 54%. Which is a fuck of a lot better than the 0% I got in that gym class.

Life is about loving

One of the biggest hurdles I've faced in getting to the point in my life that I'm at now, is really loving myself.
I've always been a very confident person. I'm really smart. Really funny. I make friends easily and get along great with everyone. I'm easy going and easy to please and charming as fuck. But loving myself , really loving myself - not as easy as saying I'm smart and charming.
I had a huge life event happen to me 3 and a half years ago that totally flipped my perspective on love. Love of family. Love of friendships. But most importantly, love of myself.
I spent the better part of my twenties involved in some really unhealthy relationships. Relationships with people who, despite not being bad people - were just bad for me. People who robbed me of my identity. Who carelessly took me for granted and thrived on making me feel weak and sad and small. But they're not to blame for those things happening. I am. Because I never used to love myself enough to believe I deserved better from my friends.
And then one day I had a wake up call. Shit hit the fan. And if you really want to find out who your REAL friends are - let shit hit the fan and become vulnerable and accountable to all the shitty things you've ever said or done. Then see who is standing once the dust settles. Those people are your real friends.
So I learned to love myself. To value my life. To find inside me not only the strength to stand up for myself against shitty behavior, but the respect and understanding to know that I deserved - deserve - so much better.
I feel so fucking good today.
My friends are so amazing. They are so unbelievably kind and caring and encouraging and GENUINE.
Riding myself of fake dishonest creatures who live and breed in the filth of pathetic self importance was - and still is - the best thing I ever did.
That's my transformation today - really realizing and believing that truth.
Being healthy mind body and soul, really starts with the mind.

It's been a rough week.
Rough emotionally. But physically - I'm having the best week I've ever had since starting this whole get healthier schtick.
Because of said rough emotional week-ness, I decided to take a little wander tonight. Which turned into a 6k wander around the neighborhood.
That map conveniently puts places makers down where I stopped walking. Note that at least 3 of those spots were where I had to fart. Because I'm fucking classy. Or gassy. Depending on how you look at it.
I'm super pumped to see all that green on my fitbit tracker. It's comforting. And nice of them to send me little woohoos for a job well done. I enjoy that.
A big part of this, and why I'm doing this, is to concur demons and turn to better options in my life than medicating my depression or ignoring my problems and willfully hoping they just go away.
One of the most inspiring things that I've discovered is the amount of clarity and persoective I gain while walking and moving and getting out of the lazy patterns I've become accustomed to. It's....something I never really believed would happen.
I killed 4 sets in interval circuit training today too. So my body is kind of like ok fuck calm down right now. Which means that I'm going to take a bath, watch Grey's and wake up tomorrow just a little bit better than today.

Transformation Tuesday starts today

Because you know - it's Tuesday.

I'm down 18.2 lbs in 4 weeks.
I blame this on clean eating and working out and really just pulling my head out of my (slightly shrinking) ass.

I also started circuit training yesterday and let me tell you - my triceps are pissed that I discovered it. But it's been amazeballs thus far.

Here's my post work out lunch - spicy egg white omlete with avocado and basil.

Super easy;
3 large egg whites
1/2 avocado
3 big leafs of basil
1 tablespoon of siracha

I'm hoping I don't need to give anyone directions on how to make an omlete....because if I do - you should probably question your life choices so far. And then learn to cook an omlete. Then come back.

Happy transformation Tuesday folks! It's a beautiful day. Go get sweaty.

buying local vs buying cheap

With summer approaching, it's time for farmers markets to start opening their stands up with fresh local produce and meats. There are a lot of factors that go into buying produce locally vs buying from big stores like superstore or walmart.
For your money, obviously buying from the bigger stores are going to get you more bang for your buck. But here in lies a few problems. For one, how many of you honestly know where that produce comes from? what pesticides they use to help them grow faster or what kind of waxes and substances they are sprayed with in order to keep them 'fresh' while they travel from - where ever - to your grocery store.
You can always go for the organic option, but do you know what the laws are when it comes to being able to call something "organic"?
A lot of "organic" food isn't actually pesticide, GMO, or additive free. In fact, there's no rule against naming your company so and so organic as a marketing ploy. Meaning the box can say organic, but what you're eating isn't actually organic.
As with everything, the best course of action if you're going to shop at the big stores, is to be educated. Find out where your produce comes from. Find out the laws and regulations for calling something organic in that state/province.
The biggest complication we're going to face this year in Alberta, is the fact that most of our produce comes from California. Where they are experiencing recording breaking droughts this year. No rain means a smaller amount of produce that can be imported into Canada. Which means that the cost of the produce that can make it in, is going to skyrocket.
This is where local farmers markets come into play. Most of the retailers in Edmonton at these farmers markets are local, within 100kms, and sell on the weekends what they harvested during the week. Not only that, but you have the chance to talk to the people who literally picked that produce from the ground. You can ask them questions like what they use for fertilizer, how the harvest, when they harvest etc etc.
Sure, you're going to pay a slightly higher premium at a farmers market. But you're supporting local businesses. You're stimulating the local economy. And realistically, with the ever rising cost of imported produce, the cost difference isn't going to be that dramatic.
I hit up the south common farmers market today and got 1lb of asparagus, 1lb of beets, 1lb of carrots, a basil plant and a jar of pickles for 22 bucks. I helped local farmers and I can promise you that these pickles are legit the best pickles I have ever had - not to mention the taste of fresh locally grown carrots and beets are kind of the best thing ever.
Support local when you can! It's worth the extra 25 cents!

Avocado Alfredo and spaghetti squash

What you need

2 small ripe avocados

2 cloves of garlic

5 basil leaves

The juice of half a lemon

2 table spoons of olive oil

1 medium spaghetti squash

A pinch of salt and pepper to taste

preheat yo oven yo! 400 degrees.

cut the spaghetti squash into rings and remove the seeds. Brush with olive oil and season with salt and pepper.

Bake in the oven for 40 minutes, turning over once after 20 minutes.

Remove from the oven and set aside. 

Cut of the garlic and basil into smallish pieces and place in a blender or food processor with olive oil and lemon juice. Blend on liquefy for a few seconds or until smooth.

Peel and cut up the avocados and blend with the garlic/basil/olive oil/lemon juice mixture until smooth. You may need to scrape down the sides of the blender/processor to make sure there are no chunks of avocado.

peel the squash and using a fork, separate the strands into spaghetti like pieces. Cutting it into the rings really helps keep the feel of a real noodle and it cooks it perfectly. 

pour about 1/2 cup of the sauce over each serving of the squash. 

This recipe makes about four servings.

Feel free to adjust the garlic/basil to your own taste. You can also add water if it's too thick for your liking.

Because avocados oxidize quite easily, it's best to eat this day of. However, you can store it in a Tupperware container in the fridge. Just put plastic wrap over the top of the sauce before sealing the Tupperware to help prevent it from going dark.

I served mine with chicken and asparagus.

It was seriously so delicious I couldn't even process. Highly recommend you trying it out!

Pictures below show the process :)

ENJOY!

 

Chia seed vanilla pudding

What you need:

2 cups unsweetened almond milk
1/2 chia seeds (best value is to buy at bulk barn)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons honey

In a medium bowl milk together all ingredients for 2-3 minutes or until mixture starts to thicken.
Cover and refrigerate for at least 2 hours, but overnight is best.
Serve with fresh fruit or a drizzle of honey.
This 'pudding' is perfect for a good start breakfast. It's packed with protein, fiber, omega 3's and antioxidants. It also helps regulate your blood sugar and damn if it isn't a tasty little bastard.
Enjoy!

Honey cinnamon crispy chick peas

First off, I can't take credit for this recipe. I found it online and decided to try it. But I'm posting it here because....well because I can.

What you need;
An oven
Baking sheet
Parchment paper or a silicone mat (not to be confused with a silicone Matt, I really don't think he'd appreciate being baked in an oven. Silicone or not)
1 can of organic chick peas
1/2 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 salt

What you do;

Pre heat yo oven yo! 375
Drain and rinse the chickpeas,  then lay flat on some paper towel to dry
Throw down those chickpeas with mucho gusto in a single layer on the parchment/mat lined baking tray  because they about to get BAKED.

Bake for 45 minutes. Test one of the peas and if they're still soft shove those softies back in the oven for another 5-10 minutes.
When they're crispy to your liking and still hot,  toss them in the oil, honey,  cinnamon, nutmeg and salt.
Place them back in the oven for 10 minutes to get them nice and caramelized. Or you can eat them just like that if you're some kind of caramelized goodness hater. In which case - I feel bad for you.
Let them cool before shoving them in your pie hole. TRUST ME. I learned the hard way.
Store in an airtight container.
This makes 4 servings with each serving containing 146 calories, 2.6g fat and 4.6g sugar.

ENJOY!

Treadmill pro tip

I get it. I hear you. I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Getting on the treadmill fucking sucks. Who wants to walk to literally NO WHERE. It's the exact opposite of fun.
But hey, guess what? It gets your heart rate up.
And when your heart rate is up? You burn more calories.
I'm no expert on working out. I've only been doing it for 14 days. Don't expect me to give you good advice on lifting and squatting and all that shit. I'm not there - YET!
But I do know that I get an hour of cardio (ie treadmill) in every day and I do know how much it can intimidate. And seriously, who hasn't stood there counting every step only to look up and get punched in the genitals with the reality that it's only been 45 SECONDS?!
So here's my pro tip.
READ!
Grab a super trashy magazine. Or a good book you've been meaning to finish. Hell grab a dictionary or print off a hundred pages of Grey's Anatomy fanfiction and just GO HARD.
You get so distracted by the 4 page article about the duggars insane lifestyle choices or how offensively beautiful Sandra Bullock is that before you know it you look down and holy fuck you just did 4kms and now it's time to POWER SQUAT!

(note. I have no idea what the fuck a power squat is. I probably just made it up)

This pro tip has been brought to you by people magazine and awkward calf stretches.

And YES. I did manage to take a photo while jogging a solid 4.6

You don't get to judge me. There's no such thing as distracted treadmilling.

....is there? 

Banana dark chocolate cookies - ONLY 50 CALORIES EACH!

This one is so easy and SO good that it should almost be ILLEGAL.

you only need three things (I need four. keep reading to discover why!)
plus a baking sheet.
and an oven
probably in a house too. but hey, if you have an oven out in the middle of the woods and want to make these cookies, who am I to kill your dreams?

2 ripe bananas - I always have bananas in my freezer. I buy them...I don't eat them....I grew up in DO NOT WASTE environment. So I freeze those fuckers. These come in SUPER handy when I'm jonsing for something om nom nommy and don't want to *cheat.

1 cup instant oats.

1/4 cup of dark chocolate. I used 85% dark dark dark chocolate. Because I like it AND it's way less processes than any other chocolate. Dark or otherwise. Except the 95% shit. I'm not brave enough to try that though.

*ALTERNATIVE OPTION* 1 handful of dried cranberries. This ups the calorie content just a smidge. I'll post both nutriation values below so you can see the difference.
I LOVE dark chocolate and cranberry together. At first I was kind of eh on the fence about including them in a banana/oatmeal cooking - thinking two fruits would suck together. but let me tell ya, two fruits are better than one!
(I'm sure there's some offside gay joke I could make here, which would be OK you know. Cause I'm gay. Right?)
feel free to add nuts or seeds or whatever the fuck you want. I'm not your mum. I don't make the rules round here.


Pre heat yo oven yo! 350

Mash up the bananas until they are total mush. NO LUMPS! NO WIRE HANGERS!
add in the cup of oatmeal, the chocolate, the kitchen sink and a copy of Martha Stewart living.
Stir to combine
drop spoonfulls of the cookies onto a baking sheet. You can also consider greasing the sheet with a smidge of coconut oil, if your cookie sheet is major ghetto and things stick to it.
put in the oven and bake for 10-12 minutes, depending on how big of a spoonful you use.
Pro tip - don't use a fucking shovel to make one giant cookie. IT WILL NOT WORK. and then you'll blame me and then I'll have to kick you in the shins. And I don't want to kick you in the shins. because I like you. So just use a regular spoon, ok?

take them off the cookie sheet and let them cool on a plate or a cooling rack (if you're fancy as fuck and have a cooling rack)

they taste similar to banana bread but with a slightly more fluffy texture.
Because of the banana - these cookies can get a little darker the next day - so don't be surprised.
if you are surprised - see above regarding shin kicking.

I WARNED YOU!

*The term cheat is often used in reference to a day or meal or snack that you have that goes outside your regular 'diet'. Since clean eating isn't a diet for me, but a lifestyle change, I hate using this term. But because it's so easily recognized as a faulter I will continue to use it in the sense that cheating for me would be consuming sugar, or processed foods willingly in excess in order to satisfy some convaluted 'craving'. Funny part about clean eating - once you're past the initial HOLY FUCK I WANT A FUCKING PEPSI moments in the first week, you no longer crave those high sugar things. And having 1 or 2 of these cookies is just as satisfying as it would have been to actually have that pepsi.

Super easy, super clean, super gooooood Apple Crisp

What you need:

1 9inch baking pan or pie plate

2-3 peeled and sliced gala apples (You can honestly use any kind of apple, but since this is sugar free - I'd avoid a granny smith since they're usually really tart)
1/2 cup of rolled oats (gluten free/organic/instant will all work)
2 tablespoons of coconut oil
2 tablespoons of honey (organic is best)
1 small pinch of salt
2 tablespoons of coconut flour
1/2 tablespoon of nutmeg
1 1/2 tablespoon of cinnamon


Directions:
Preheat yo oven yo! 375!
I got everything together BEFORE peeling and slicing my apples, because I'm an apple snob and I hate when they go even the slightest bit brown. But if you give no fucks about your brown ass apples, then by all means - start with peeling and slicing them. Otherwise - start by melting the 2 tablespoons of coconut oil in the microwave - about 30 seconds on medium is good. Mix in the honey and stir. In a separate bowl mix together the oats, 1 tablespoon of the flour and half of the nutmeg and cinnamon.
Note: nutmeg and cinnamon are to taste - I like my apples to be on the super cinnamon side. but OBVI you can change it to suite your own needs. This is just a guideline people!
Now for you brown apple haters like me - go ahead and peel and slice your apples. Place them in the baking dish. Pour in 2 tablespoons of the honey and coconut oil mixture along with 1 tablespoon of flour and the rest of the nutmeg/cinnamon. Stir around to coat those little fuckers in all that tasty goodness.
Put the rest of the coconut oil/honey mixture into the oat/flour/spice mixture and mix it up until it becomes a bit clumpy.
Crumble that beautiful mess of awesome all over the top of the apples. Place in the oven and bake for 20-30 minutes or until the top is a nice lovely brown colour - OR until it smells so fucking good you can't wait any longer and pull that shit out. But more likely - 20-30 minutes.

PRO TIP - I also cut up 1/3 cup of pecans and put it into the oat mixture before covering the apples in it because I really dig pecans. You could also use walnuts. Or none of those things. It's super versatile. So do whatever you want.

Nutritional information is as follows - Note - this is based on adding the pecans in.
Also - keep in mind that coconut oil and pecans are GOOD fats and honey is a natural sugar - vs processed.
And that's what clean is all about!

ENJOY!

Clean eating basics and why you're here - Reading about me.

I only recently got into the idea of "clean eating" and what it means for my lifestyle. I got to a point in my life where I was fed up with feeling like shit all the time, being tired all the time and most importantly - being a fatass.
I bit the bullet and tucked my fears about public embarrassment into my pocket and made an appointment with a nutritionist. She was great right from the start. Giving me helpful tips about how to load up on green veggies to help keep my energy levels up, how to effectively give up pop and caffeine without murder death killing anyone and the most important piece of information she gave me was - how to read and really understand the labels of the food I'm putting into my body and what that means for clean eating.
Let's get one thing straight here first and foremost though - I'm 32 and overweight by a lot. I spent most of my adult life abusing refined sugar and not giving a shit about my health. Even after going through a cancer scare and being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease didn't snap me into shape. I just didn't care.
I can't tell you exactly what turned my thinking around. Whether it was just the idea of being fat for the rest of my life (which would likely be cut short due to my growing list of health concerns). Or if it was my new friendships with people who made changes in their lives perviously and I saw first hand how capable I could be if I just told myself to shut the fuck up and get on a treadmill once and awhile.
So in came the nutritionist and in came the understanding that processed foods are not only killing ME, but they're killing you too.
After coming home from my appointment I did a lot of important research about this "clean eating" - and by important research I mean I went on google and read pretty much every single opinion I could about it.
I came the conclusion that it would probably suck for the first little while. Detoxing from sugar is NOT pleasant. I've done it before and just went right back to it. The old on again off again bullshit.
But this time I was determined. I'm STILL determined, to fix my lifestyle, to fix my body and to love myself enough to really care about living.
Clean eating is a really simple concept. Don't put anything into your body that you can't pronounce, nothing processed or refined. Organic when possible and tons and tons and TONS of veggies. I mean tons. I can blow through like a full pound of kale in two days.
If you do buy things that are processed, like frozen veggies or chicken stock etc etc, just be mindful of the label. Reading the label on things is the single most important thing you can do when purchasing food. It literally tells you what you're about to consume. I bet you'll be incredibly surprised (as I was) when you realize how many canned things have tons of sugar in them. Even unassuming things like canned peas = full of sugar. Or how much salt is in things like chicken stock or taco seasoning mix. And then, once that surprise wears off you can spend an ungodly amount of time googling how to make your own mixes and stocks, so you can really really control what goes into your body and how.
The basis of this blog is to kind of track my journey through things. I'll be making another post soon about how I've had to really focus on my meals and the timing of them since being diagnosed with a super lazy thyroid. I'm hoping that in the long run that I can control most of my health concerns through diet alone. But until then - I'm taking everything one day at a time. I'm aware of everything I put in my body. I drink a ton of water. I eat balanced clean meals. I get at least an hour of solid excerise in a day (cardio/weight trianing/strength and flexibility training) and I'm Extremely diligent about keeping a food diary - Which I will also be creating a post about later on.
being accountable to everything you consume sounds like the biggest pile of shit ever, but it's changed my life. It's changed how I look at things and honestly how I function on a day to day basis.
I can honestly say that this is the best I've ever felt. Including how I felt in my teens and twenties. So even though it sounds like a pile of shit - it actually isn't. It's actually going to save me.

Slow cooker chicken quinoa sweet potatoe soup

This recipe was adapted from another recipe I found online for Sante fe chicken stew. I decided to mix it up to fit more what I like and use up some stuff I had kicking around. No prep photos unfortunately because I didn't start writing this recipe until after the fact.
This is 95% clean eating (I'll be writing a dedicated blog post with details about what that means later, in the meantime you can always Google) with the only processed part coming from the chicken stock.

What you'll need:
1 large crockpot. I got mine at Walmart for 25 bucks.  It's a 6 quart with low/high/keep warm settings.
3 boneless skinless chicken breasts. 
2 medium sweet potatoes peeled and cubed
1 package of quinoa/ancient grains mix (or 1 cup quinoa if ancient grains aren't your bag)
1 1/2 cup black beans (I use non canned beans which require soaking overnight. But you can use canned too if you want. Just check your labels to make sure there are no hidden sugars in them!)
5 cups chicken stock (I buy the low sodium organic stuff to keep it as close to clean as possible.) 1 carton is roughly 5 cups but you can add water to top it up if needed.
*pro tip. Stock is very easily frozen if you have left overs. I put mine in a ziplock bag and freeze it flat. You can then defrost it over night in the fridge or submerge it in luke warm water for half an hour before using it.
1 small onion chopped
1 clove of garlic minced
3 medium peppers chopped.  I used yellow, orange and red. I don't like green peppers cooked but you can use whatever you want.
2 cups of kale chopped
1 1/2 cup of corn. I stay away from canned veggies because they are LOADED with hidden sugar. So if you can't get fresh corn then go for frozen - organic is best but read the label and make sure the only ingredient is corn.
Taco seasoning to taste - I make my own because I'm all about controlling flavors but you could easily use a prepackaged one. Though I highly recommend getting the low sodium variety.
To make your own just combine garlic powder, chili powder, cumin, oregano, paprika and red pepper flakes. This is all to taste. If you want it spicy - add more red pepper flakes. More warm mexi flavored - add more cumin and chili powder. Experiment and see what you like best :)

Assembly:
In the crockpot lay your chicken breast (thawed!) On the bottom. Next put in the quinoa, onions, garlic and beans. Then layer on the peeled and cubed sweet potatoe and peppers.
Mix your taco seasoning in with your 5 cups of stock and pour over the top. Set it and forget it! For 4 hours. On high.
After 4 hours dig around and pull out the chicken. Using 2 forks or your hands if your brave and don't care about being burned and shred the chicken up.
Put it back in the crockpot along with the kale and corn. Don't worry if the corn is still frozen. It's a resistant little veggie and can handle it.
Stir all that shit together and marvel at how amazeballs it smells!
Keep on high for another hour. At this point I went ahead and added another cup of water to mine because it wasn't soupy enough for me. But it's all about what you like.

*alternatively you can cook this on low as well,  if you won't be home to check on it. 5-6 hours on low then remove the chicken etc etc and back on low for 2 hours.

The beauty of crockpot cooking is that it's pretty forgiving. You can always play with the cooking times to fit your schedule.

Serve this with a wedge of lime and some Greek yogurt. You can also add cilantro if you like that kind of thing. I'm not a fan. But you're the boss of your own destiny ok? So have fun with it.

Try it! Let me know how it turns out in the comments!